Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The random blues

Today I changed 6 times before going to my company Christmas party. I see these people every day (and have for over 3 years now).  They know how great I am at my job, and even compliment me on my ability to coordinate 1,000's of events in a year, and on my ability to burn a hole verbally through someone trying to screw me out of a signed contract. Why tonight was I so worried about how I looked around them when I'd already spent 8 hours with them, and they know me and who I am?

I have had anxiety most of my life. Sometimes it really doesn't bother me. That took a lot of work to get to a place where I could say that happens. Other times it's just there giving me light stomach cramps all day. Little anxiety pangs. The stupid jerks. I wish they'd just leave me alone. They have been back for a few weeks, totally not my favorite thing. I'm not even sure what triggered them again. Dana's recent post about depression made me think about this some more.

I tend to feel insecure when I have anxiety or depression feelings. My depression/anxiety has never been such that I needed medication (aside from some herbal supplements when it was at its worst), or that I needed a hospital, except for once. I promptly took care of it with 2 years of therapy and have felt amazing ever since... until now. I can feel it creeping back in on occasion. It usually presents itself like this... (this is its most noticeable form)... I get really hungry, go to eat, and my stomach starts to feel too bloated to eat and feel a tiny shot of adrenaline in my system. This really just feels like little nausea waves or butterflies.

Ugh... I hate that. It really is a bitch. It makes excitement feel like a bad thing, because they feel identical. The biggest and best events of my life have had anxiety attacks in them because I got so excited and happy that my body gave itself an anxiety attack. Those for me are just really uncomfortable stomach issues, coupled with negative thoughts. Yay. I hate those. My wedding day I was late to the ceremony because I couldn't get off the damn toilet.

I can't figure out why right now I have the insecurity and anxiety. The past 2 months being married I've really blossomed with my creativity in looks, and my ability to feel beautiful from within. And all the sudden lately I just feel like I'm thinking too hard to be pretty, or look right. I think I may always battle this stuff. I'll have to fight it off, enjoy the peaceful times before the enemy tries to fight it's way back in. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works. It challenges you to control your thoughts, and not let them control you. It really makes you feel like you can conquer anything, when you are able to succeed with it. It healed me completely. I had over 12 months of completely anxiety-free life. Before therapy it got bad enough that I had it for around 24 hours a day for a few months.  Dana was right in her post. It really is crazy what people are carrying around with them and they never show it to people. All I have to do now is remember everything I learned and did when I was fighting off the anxiety/depression before and I'll be fine.

But... if there were a miracle drug for stomach aches and butterflies, I'd sign up in a minute.

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