Saturday, October 13, 2012

My self esteem and my new marriage.

I always looked at the future being when I'd feel better about myself, but I couldn't seem to feel better about myself in the present. So how would my future ever be anything but the present it presently was?

I know, that sentence really is a little too much isn't it?

I will explain.

I recently got married. As in, 28 days ago. Can I just say it's been a blast? It's been a month of discovery, plus the 2 months of prepping for it in our short engagement. (REALLY SHORT). We dated for 2 years though so there was a good time frame of getting to know each other. Right before we got married, I was nervous and scared that I wouldn't be a good wife because I knew what my mind was capable of doing for the bad. I knew all the things I had thought about myself over the years, not being good enough sexually, not being pretty enough, etc. Now I was worried about all the stuff I had to do as a wife! I was so worried I would disappoint him... even though he'd never led me to believe he had expectations like the ones I was putting on myself. I wondered if after we got married, would the good I was supposed to feel about myself just be there?

Funny story is, it is here.

I know, we're not supposed to let someone else dictate our self esteem. Trust me, after 2 years of regular therapy sessions with the most wonderful lady I've ever met, my husband doesn't completely dictate how I feel. It wasn't always easy for me though. I came from a family of beautiful people, who all started as ugly ducklings in one way or another. All my siblings are amazingly talented, attractive people. We all had awkward phases in junior high or high school, and all of us have been outcasts before, including myself, (see my letter to myself HERE). Throw in a father that bailed to find another woman to hang out with instead of his family, and the stereotypical girl with daddy issues was created. I spent a lot of time with boys, men and friends that I allowed to walk all over my self-esteem. When I met my husband, I'd had this string of men cycle through my life that in one way or another showed me I wasn't good enough, physically, sexually, mentally, or some other way, and took huge chunks of me with them when they bailed.  (Such a stupid thing I allowed to happen)

A small tip for you girls out there dating guys like this: If a guy tells you, "If we get married, my wedding gift to you would be new boobs, because you'd look better with a huge rack", dump him, and kick him in the balls so much he needs testicle replacements, don't continue life with him in it.

So my husband came in to the picture after I'd successfully removed all the friends, and men from my life that would treat me like that. My self esteem was at an all time high, but it was new and fragile. I was really honest with him about where I stood in life, and in how I felt about myself.  The coolest thing about that is, while I half expected him to be just like all the other jerks out there, he proved he was a man more worthy of me than anyone else. He was extremely patient, uplifting and kind.

So in a way, he does help my self-esteem. I say, never let people dictate how you feel about yourself, but if they are good people who always try to build you up... LET THEM BUILD YOU!

Marrying him has made me feel completely wonderful in my skin. I feel more beautiful naturally, because of how he respects and treats me than I ever have. It's like being married to him is home. I'm so grateful that my awful string of men led me to him, and not to another douche bag. I feel like with him, I can try anything and not be afraid to fail, because he will support me in what I want to pursue.

He told me the other day, "With you I feel like I can be successful at anything."

I always wanted to be that for someone too, but I was such a mess of a person, I wasn't sure I'd be able to be someone else's positive foundation. It's true what people say, you can't  love someone else right, if you can't love yourself. When you start to love yourself, you can love others properly. Those people that say these things are so right. We should all listen to them more.

If you're stuck in a self-esteem mud pit, I promise there's a way out. Figure out what it is that brings you down, and get rid of it. If it's you and your awful thoughts about yourself (like it was for me), do what you have to do to stop the negative. It brings more positive into your life than you'll ever know. If you are doing the negative talk, you know just how much you can destroy yourself. Wouldn't it be great if you could take that powerful ability you have to ruin your day, and turn it around and use the same power to make yourself feel amazing?

Get rid of the negative thoughts, friends, influences, significant others, and start to LIVE!

One of my favorite things I've had since I was a kid is a picture of Jesus saying, "The greatest gift I could ever give you is if you could see yourself the way I do." Each of us are divine creations, and if we could see the masterpiece that we are, we'd never think negatively about ourselves again.

I'm just really grateful that I finally have a man in my life that sees me the way I need to see myself.

It's only natural that such a great guy would be so good
lookin', right?

2 comments:

  1. Lana, I absolutely loved this post. Thanks for summoning the bravery it took to write it. Yours are the kinds of words, yours have been the kinds of decisions, people should strive for their whole life long in order to secure their own happiness. This has been a good reminder!

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  2. Thanks for your thoughts. Just want to reaffirm the truth of these words, especially "get rid of the negative thoughts, friends, influences, significant others, and start to LIVE!" A man that makes you feel like a woman is priceless. Congratulatons!

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