Thursday, August 23, 2012

P.S. #3: Miscarriage--by Audra

I am currently 27 years old and have been married for 8 years, within those 8 years I have had 5 children. I'll just give you guys a minute to calculate that yes indeed, I was married at 19. I never really had body issues before I had children, in fact I was a pretty confident in my body and how it looked. I got pregnant with my first child on my honeymoon(I know TMI), but it was very important to me and my husband to have children right away. I came from a fairly small family. I had one brother and a down syndrome aunt who lived with us, who was more like a sister to me. We had a small family because my mother was never able to birth or carry children, so my brother and I were adopted. My small family made me want to experience a large family and pregnancy very quickly, thus, we started trying immediately.

 When I found out I was pregnant, I have never been more excited in my life. We couldn't believe our first baby would be born in nine short months. We went out to dinner and bought baby booties for our new little bundle. A month and a half after finding out I was pregnant I got a terrible fever, my husband gave me a blessing that I would be well again. After the blessing my fever broke, but I felt like something was off. Two weeks later, I started bleeding, I had heard that spotting was normal, until I got out of my car and realized there was blood all over my pants and down my legs. I rushed to my doctor, crying the whole way, my husband was in shock and kept trying to reassure me that everything was OK. When I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound they found no heartbeat and told me the baby had died. I sobbed openly in front of the nurses, and whoever was on the other side of the curtain in the doctor's office. They doctor tried to tell me how normal miscarriage was and that I wasn't the first woman to have one. In a word...he was pretty rude.I lost my first child when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. It was devastating...  I bawled the whole way home. I couldn't bear to tell my mother, " I tried but the words just wouldn't come out, my husband grabbed the phone and told her through tears that we had lost the baby. I heard my mom say, "Oh my heart...", let's just say I felt like I had let her down. My husband couldn't tell his mom, as soon as she answered the phone he couldn't control his sobs. I grabbed the phone from him and quickly blurted out that I was miscarrying. She started crying also and told us to call when we were ready.

I choose to pass the baby at home instead of getting a d&c done at the hospital. I thought it would give me closure if I could see the baby. All night I experienced labor, I would cry and writhe in bed, the pain was more unbearable because I knew what would be at the end of it, nothing... my husband and I cried openly that night as I passed the baby on my own. I thought my abilities to have children were slipping through my fingers. I cried and cried for days. Growing up in a home where my mother couldn't have children, had a large effect on me and my desire to have children. Thinking that I possibly couldn't put me into a deep depression, I hardly ate, every time I saw a pregnant woman I would cry secretly at home filled with jealousy.  My husband would constantly come home to see me crying on the couch, in the kitchen, in our bedroom, wondering what had triggered it that day! I prayed and begged God for another chance. He filled my heart with peace and I knew that I would get through this, but I would never forget. It was a lot to go through in only 3 months as a newlywed. The only thing that comforted me was knowing we could try again, and if I had another miscarriage I would move on to the road of adoption. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me...

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