Wednesday, July 4, 2012

ED Talks #9--Anonymous

This is copied and pasted with permission from a dear friend who responded to some posts about my eating disorder.  I am so grateful for his words as they remind us that there are men who suffer from these issues as well.  

I was never Bullimic but i definitely had a negative attitude towards food and a very poor body image for a long time. Where you describe the difference in the way you were treated thin vs fat, this was almost my EXACT middle school experience.

I was active. I played soccer and was awesome. I have a friend who played in college and to this day talks about how good I could've been. I broke my foot in 6 places the winter of my 6th grade year. Due to funding they combined the girls and boys soccer teams my 7th grade year. 

I noticed girls. I talked to girls. I liked girls. I longed for a relationship. I was always the "friend" never the boyfriend. Because of my recovery I was on the B soccer team where the majority of the girls were. I don't remember when, but I think it was after a particular game when Jenny T. put her arm around me.  I thought-this is what it's like to have a girlfriend. An older boy came up, and was obviously interested and she continued close to me. I ate it up. The boy left and when he was out of sight she dropped the bomb. She was pretending to be my girlfriend so the boy would leave her alone. Because we were such good friends she knew I would understand and not be hurt.

That stuck with me, frequently.  Too frequently.  I would hear, "I wish my boyfriend were more like you." 

I thought about it, what was the difference between me, who they wanted their significant other to be, and their significant other?  Weight.

That year I started running cross country and skipping meals. I remember sitting in the car and my parents offering me food. And all I could think of was, I still wasn't as skinny as "their boyfriends".

I went from 4'11" in 6th grade and a 160 pounds, to 5'8" 100 pounds my freshman year...and I still felt fat.

After I quit cross country my sophomore year and started rowing that spring I started putting on weight in a positive way. I was still self conscious about my physique until sometime after I married my wife. But I stopped skipping meals in high school. I don't now why I'm telling you this now other to maybe say...I'm sorry you went through that are not alone.

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