"The body never lies." --Martha Grahm.
This blog is intended to be an exploration of what it is to have a body and navigate that relationship with said possession through mortality, society, and spirituality. It will include research, articles, pictures, quotes, personal stories, videos, insights, poems, monologues, letters, jokes, recipes, confessions, ETC. Hopefully in reading this you find connection, sincerity, and heart. Healing is possible. Living is the reward. Contribute!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Average Girl--by Sadie
What’s my story? I’m not sure I have one that’s of much value to others out there. I’m just your average girl. Really. I’ve discovered that about myself. Over time I’ve learned to embrace my averageness. However, the world we live in, you are either above average or you’ve got problems. On the ACT, I got an average score. I’m average looking, not gorgeous, but I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily ugly either. And, as you might have guessed, I’m an average weight. My perception of my body has changed over the years. When I was a kid, I was a little on the skinny side. I thought I was invincible. In junior high I was a late bloomer. I didn’t start my period until I was 14, and didn’t really worry about it too much. In high school, I was still waiting to blossom. Then, my junior year, I bloomed. I inherited some nice curvy hips. This was the first time I had been dissatisfied with my body. Finding jeans that fit, was all but impossible. I would leave the store discouraged and a bit depressed. I still had a small waist, so if I got a bigger size of jeans, I had a hoola hoop around my waist. If I got a smaller size of jeans, I would not be able to get my jeans on past my hips. I always say hips, but really it’s my thighs. I just don’t like that word, so I say hips. It was about this time I noticed I had cellulite on my hips, booty, and thighs. While changing for basketball practice, I noticed my teammate had nice smooth skin that lacked the white cottage cheese look I was sporting. I started to get self-conscience. I would change into my shorts as quickly as I could. In college I continued to be dissatisfied with my hips. I remember in one class, sitting on the edge of my chair to see how thin I could make my legs/hips look when everything would hang down out of my view. Looking back, I wonder if anyone noticed. I always wanted those long thin legs, the ones that were strait down from the hip. No curve. I got married. My sweetheart regularly told me I was beautiful. I’ve had three babies. He still tells me I’m beautiful. He is an honest man, but there are still times when I don’t really believe him. I look in the mirror and can’t understand what he finds so attractive. I think he must be confused. Maybe his perception of beauty is skewed. Then I realize, maybe my perception is the one that is skewed. There have been times when I’ve wanted to get really skinny. I’ve wanted to have an eating disorder. I know that probably sounds horrible. It is horrible. There have been times where I’ve thought through how I could become anorexic or bulimic. It went sort of like this… “I can’t be bulimic. I hate to puke. I cry every time I do. How about anorexia? Maybe I can just stop eating. No, that won’t work either. I don’t have enough self-control. I guess I’ll just have to get by with this body.” I’m thankful. I still have moments where I don’t feel pretty. There are moments where I notice a little fat that I wish would leave. But mostly, I’ve come to accept that average is not ugly. Average is finishing a marathon, after months of preparation. Average is having three babies and wearing a size 10. Average is looking in the mirror and seeing me, not some model from an airbrushed magazine cover. Average is enjoying life, despite a few insecurities. Average is loving those around me. Average is being loved.