Saturday, July 28, 2012

another post on that topic--anonymous

this was written in response to the recent post on vaginismus, here

I am going to say this is one of the weirdest things I have ever done but I am so impressed with your blog and the stories you have shared. I have never been sure how to contribute but I thought I could give a response to today's post, or at least a different point of view. As it is a very personal issue I would prefer to remain anonymous, should you chose to post it. Sorry it isn't more eloquent, it isn't a story I have ever thought about sharing before.

First I want to say that I am truly sorry for what the author and his wife have gone through. From my small experience with vagismus I know that it can be a very painful and incredibly frustrating experience. You begin to question what is wrong with you or why you can't be normal. 

Next I wanted to share my own story.

I was lucky, I guess as lucky as once can be given the circumstances. I went in for a premarital exam about 10 weeks before the wedding. Thank goodness I was assigned a good doctor. She was friendly and welcoming and in an appointment that can be awkward and embarrassing she helped me feel at ease (a task I originally viewed as impossible). At one point during the visit I remember her turning to me and saying, "it doesn't look like you are going to fit much more than a tampon up there." Tampons had seemed uncomfortable at times but never had I dreamed that it was anything more than an annoyance. She went on to explain that I needed to get started on vaginal dilators immediately and if I didn't see improvement in the next two to three weeks we could look at other surgical options before the wedding. She didn't make me feel like there was anything wrong with me and was sincere when she explained that if I had any questions I could give her a call.

So the dilators began. Suddenly I was embarrassed. Using the dilators was a bit awkward and I dreaded ever leaving them in a place where a room mate might see them. But I was faithful at using them, there were days I had to tell myself how much I loved my fiance in order to do so, but I did it. And things did improve, so I worried less, and finally told my fiance about the dilators the week of the wedding. Better late than never, right? The doctor acted like everything would be fine and I didn't want him to worry about hurting me, and I certainly didn't want to admit that there could be something wrong with me.

Without going into too much detail the first few weeks of our marriage were filled with ups and downs. Times where everything would go "normal" and other nights filled with tears and frustrations. When you see other newly wed couples and the joy they are having you wonder why you can't experience the same. Why isn't my body working how it should? What have I done wrong mentally or physically to cause this? The worst came when I could see it affecting my husband. He was incredibly patient and loving through this whole ordeal. He would sit with me and we would pull out the dilators, hoping that things would improve. But there were certainly times when I could see the frustration on his part. As a girl I interpreted this as disappointment and therefore disappointment in me. Those were the nights with the most tears and luckily the most discussion. I knew how much he loved me and that things would be okay. I promised him that if things didn't improve over the next few weeks I would contact my doctor to look into other options.

Luckily things did improve. Actually, things got way better. By month two I can say we were having minimal problems. And the times with pain became few and far between and have become even more less frequent as time continues to pass. It was hard and painful, at times mentally and physically exhausting. But we did overcome it. And in the end you accept that everyone's body is different, it isn't necessarily right or wrong, just different.

In the end I am grateful for my body. I am grateful for a body that was able to adjust and change, for a body that has always been able to do that.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad y'all are sharing theses stories. I know they don't necessarily correlate to eating disorder behaviors, but it definitely was one of the first times I had felt so many strong negative feelings toward my body. Despite my loving and patient husband, who did not do anything to make me feel this way, I felt incredible shame and frustration going through the same thing. I had never thought that trying to do something that I knew was in the right place at the right time could make me feel like I was being punished or violated. (again, nothing due to my husband, simply the pain and the view our society has on sex made me feel like I was being an awful wife if I stopped due to pain). I'm so happy to know I'm not alone. It's honestly been one of the hardest things about marriage...something I did not expect at all to be a problem. I'm glad you shared your story about getting better, because my heart broke for the previous story. I'm somewhere in the middle- it's getting better, I hope it continues to.