"The body never lies." --Martha Grahm.
This blog is intended to be an exploration of what it is to have a body and navigate that relationship with said possession through mortality, society, and spirituality. It will include research, articles, pictures, quotes, personal stories, videos, insights, poems, monologues, letters, jokes, recipes, confessions, ETC. Hopefully in reading this you find connection, sincerity, and heart. Healing is possible. Living is the reward. Contribute!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
the skinny on skinny, or MOASB #6--by Ruthann
if you're just tuning in, go here for an explanation!
Ever since I can remember I have been known for being skinny.
I feel like I am supposed to hate my body and if I don’t – other people will hate me for it. (It kind of reminds me of Cady on Mean Girls and how she didn’t realize there could be so much wrong with her body until the Plastics started complaining about theirs).
Comments about my body are almost constant. And… they don’t feel good most of the time. I am pretty confident about how I look in clothes and who I am, but I worry a lot about why guys like me. Is it just for my body? My body that (guess what!) won’t always be so thin? Is that the only reason I’m attractive? Am I a “butter face” (but her face)? Am I just a “hot bod”? Am I just an object? Only worth hooking up with?
I’ve been trying to think of comments I have received that have often echoed my mind. I will share a few with you:
I remember having my cousin tell me that it’s weird that I don’t have a boyfriend because I’m skinny and clearly guys like that.
(Comments like these have really made me wonder things like, "Okay, so I am skinny... and guys like THAT, but guys don't like me... so what is wrong with me?")
I had a guy tell me when I was 16 that I would look much better if I gained 20 lbs.
(Really? What if I was a girl who struggled with weight and he said... "Hey you would look better if you lost 20 lbs." Comments like these do not feel good even going in the other direction.)
I was made fun of consistently in High School – being told to turn to the side and stick out my tongue to become a “zipper”.
(You might think that it would be fun to be teased for being skinny, but it was often in a hateful tone. I was accused of stuffing my bra, because I clearly shouldn't be allowed to have boobs if I was so skinny.)
A guy I dated would rudely ask, “Have you eaten today?”
(Ouch. Really? This was a guy who would say how HOT my body was and how he just KNEW I would NEVER get fat... but then he would make remarks like these that made me feel like crap at the same time.)
When I got my wisdom teeth out and my face was swollen, my older sister said, “I can die happy knowing what it would be like to see you fat.”
(Okay, so this was actually really funny at the time, but I still think about it and get weirdly scared of getting fat since being skinny has become part of my IDENTITY.)
I’ve have my Aunt glare at me and accusingly ask what size my pants were.
(This Aunt struggled with weight throughout her life and even had a gastric bypass procedure done in order to lose weight. I am always scared to see her, because I know she will find a way to comment on my body and make me feel bad about it.)
I was accused of being anorexic and bulimic when I was an EFY participant. (I have scars on my hands from surgery and the other kids thought they were scars from making myself throw up – as the reflex is to bite down).
(I cried a lot about this. I had never been accused so openly of having an eating disorder.)
A close friend developed an eating disorder in 8th grade and I know it has never been easy for her to be friends with a girl that doesn’t ever have to worry about weight.
(Weight is often an uncomfortable subject between us.)
When I got home from my mission, people in my ward said, “Wow, you filled out, you look great!”
(Oh thanks, now I'm self conscious about how I looked before.)
A guy once told me that he wouldn’t mind seeing more of my bod.
(I didn’t feel like an object at ALL.)
I feel like girls hate me for no reason. And say rude things because they feel like I think I am better than them because I am thin. I am not complaining, but why hate me for something I can’t control? I often feel guilty. I have to watch the girls I love hate themselves for their bodies. I have sisters who struggle with their weight and who feel like I can’t understand. And it’s true, I don’t understand what it is like to struggle with weight, but I do understand what it is like to dislike yourself for your looks. I do know what it’s like to blame your looks for everything. I often think – “Oh, that guy dumped me because I’m not cute enough…. Why would he ever like me?”